ABSURDITY
___________________________________
SCREWS ON THE LOOSE
Is this a loose screw world or just a screwy world
or
both?
It happened again! There it was on the floor, a tiny screw. A few weeks ago another small screw lay on a counter, in another room, unconnected to anything. It seemed to be by itself, a world apart from any electronic device or anything requiring such a tiny screw.
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NATHAN HALE
AMERICA’S FIRST WAR HERO
'"I only regret, that I have but one life to lose for my country.'"
A RECOMMENDATION
This piece is recommended to all politicians, particularly those in Washington D.C. (elected and appointed), their lawyers, and to all Americans everywhere.
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THE TEN COMMANDMENTS UPDATE (6 thru 10)
with the revelation of...
SEDATED SIN
Just in case you have been too busy to keep up with how you have been living up to the TEN COMMANDMENTS (6 thru 10) and your score on the Heavenly Sin Chart, fear not. Salvation is at hand. If you are a true believer, you may have entered that heavenly abode of SEDATED SIN.
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TO THE RUSSIAN COSSACKS:
THANK YOU!
This Thank-you note (strange as it may seem.) is long overdue. On behalf of my children, my grandchildren, great grandchildren and those yet to be born I, the last of the second generation (born in America) in my line of descent, owe a special thank you.
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Handbook for Open-Carry Guns
--Short-Man Edition--
CHAPTER ONE
_________________
THREE CHEERS FOR BIG LIARS
“Make the lie big, keep it simple, keep saying it and eventually they will believe it!” is attributed to the Nazi, Third Reich's chief of propaganda, Joseph Goebbels.
This is The Unofficial Pseudo Handbook For Telling Big, Believable Lies
Chapter 1... God Only Knows
Chapter 2...The Art of Lying
Chapter 3...Improving Your Lying Skills
Chapter 4...Keeping An Honest Face
Chapter 5...Learn From The Experts
Chapter 6...(finally) Backing Up Your Big Lie With Action
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“WHAT IF ONLY I HAD ...?”
Is there such a thing as TOO LATE?
MAYBE NOT FOR YOU!
You may have regrets over paths not taken leading to ...
WHAT YOU THINK MIGHT HAVE BEEN.
HOWEVER,
Accepting what IS can very well be as good or better than what you imagine might have been.
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WATER, WATER EVERYWHERE...
Water, water everywhere, / Nor any drop to drink.
Lines from “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner,” by Samuel Taylor Coleridge. The speaker, a sailor on a becalmed ship, is surrounded by salt water that he cannot drink.
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NON VOTERS & COMPLAINERS
Stinky (Stingly) Stenchvasser was mayor of Pizztown for the past ten years. His three elections were always by default because no one else wanted the job. However, he always considered his election to be unanimous; one to nothing; his one to everybody else;s nothing. No one in Pizztown ever voted for anything or anyone.
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A SHORT SHORTS REVIEW 1
Your Insiders’ View of The Scripts Before “Filming”
***
Dumb...Dumber...Dumbest
“You are the dumbest person I ever met!”
“Just because I forget your name?”
“Yes.”
“Everybody forgets a person’s name sometimes.”
“Their twin brother?”
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OUR BATTLES BETWEEN MIND & BODY
The Uneasy Alliance (The Short Version)
by
Bob Flicker
Is There A Winner? - A Loser?
What kind of nonsense is that? Never heard of such a thing? We are who we are, equipped with a brain and a body. A person! End of story!
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sīkōkəˈnēsis - sīkōˌkīˈnēsis
noun
The supposed ability to move objects by mental effort alone
PSYCHOKINESIS
I HAVE MOVED OBJECTS WITH MY MIND
(Sort Of...)
PREFACE
A little over sixty years ago I trained to become a hypnotist. I graduated at the top of my class. In all modesty I must admit that I was good, very good. My wife and I, having married at a very young age, soon discovered that our marriage was in serious trouble. In my youthful exuberance I, foolishly, determined that our marital problems were due to my wife’s tenseness. I figured that if I learned to become a hypnotist I could hypnotize my wife in order to help her to relax; resulting in our marriage being saved.
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THE KEYHOLES WE GIVE THEM
They See Us “Naked” and Get Rich
Welcome to the other electronic world. This is what it’s all about, seeing us “naked”. Don’t be shocked. Most of us know it but don’t think of it that way. Naked? Yup! It’s true. They strip us of our privacy and get rich. Don’t take my word for it. See for yourselves.
The old fashioned way of spying.
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AGING TRAPS
(PART 1)
Time is unstoppable!
Let’s Talk About You
______________________________________________________
HE WROTE IT & SHE SANG IT
GOD BLESS AMERICA
(It became America’s prayerful song)
The singer was Kate Smith.
The composer was Irving Berlin.
The American People embraced it.
Kate Smith had been a heavy-set, five foot eight singer of no great fame when she was first chosen to introduce God Bless America. She sang it on her radio show on Armistice Day (now Veterans Day), 1938 and America fell in love with God Bless America and Kate Smith.
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ADELAIDE’S CHRISTMAS CAROL
The mountain top village was, for the past two years, empty of people or so it seemed. The wind blew in powerful gusts driving the snow through the broken windows and doors that swung with the wind in the wrecks of what were once shanties more than they were houses. When the small coalmine closed the miners and their families went away forever...
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TIS THE SEASON!
Back by popular demand:
THE HAUNTED TREE HOUSE
--where--
“These Dead Don’t Die!”
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THE MEMORY FILE: Part 3
Terror Of Childhood Memories
And Their Later Consequences
DEALING WITH YOUR “ BAD” MEMORIES
They Can Affect Your Adult Life—For Good Or For Bad
Many adults say, “When I was a kid my life was really bad. I mean really bad.” That lament could have come from tens of thousands of adults, male and female. Perhaps you are one of them. Of course really bad can mean many things. Being constantly screamed at by parents can be as bad being constantly beaten by parents. The effects upon the child can be the same; he or she grows up angry, doing to their children what their parents did to them. It can be an unending cycle unless the problem is recognized and dealt with.
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THE MEMORY FILE: Part 2
Thinking & Remembering: You Can’t Have One Without The Other
Cluttered Thinking Leads To Forgetting
It’s OK To Forget (Once In A while)
Everybody forgets at one time or another. That’s normal but not excusable for a family member’s birthday or anniversary. For those of us 65 years of age and older the worry is Alzheimer’s disease. The odds of not getting it are in our favor. The reason for forgetting, for most us, of all ages, is cluttered thinking resulting in the lack of focus resulting in memory problems. The colloquial expression is scatter brained. I call it DISTRACTED FOCUS.
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REMEMBERING CAN BE EASY
IF YOU KNOW HOW
THE MEMORY FILE: Part 1
When We Forget
We all forget...a name (of someone we once knew or still know), a birthday date, a name of a familiar town or street, the phone number of a relative or close a friend, a favorite expression, the lyrics to a special song and the list goes on and on.
Forgetting happens to all of us. When we try to remember and almost can but just can’t, there is a familiar expression: “It’s on the tip of my tongue.” The purpose of this series is to show you how to move that memory or memories from the tip of your tongue to your ability to remember now.
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MICKEY COULD HAVE WON
He would really make America Great Again
Mickey Mouse Would Have Defeated Donald Trump Big Time
If Mickey Mouse had entered the presidential race he would have been sitting in the White House now. What makes you so sure you might ask? Just compare the two…
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THE REPLACEMENT
(A short play)
8/86
Written & Produced by
Bob Flicker
"ROBOT WORKERS" was the lead story pictured on the cover of TIME Magazine for the week of September 9, 2013. The story talks about robots replacing workers. One of those robots is listed as a welding robot. Now, almost four years later (2017), the trend is to use more robots in almost every manufacturing and service industry.
I wrote about welding robots replacing HANK SPUTOWSKI in three different assembly line jobs in my play THE REPLACEMENT, 30 years ago. In real life, there are few surprise endings to the TIME MAGAZINE story; there is one, in my play, THE REPLACEMENT.
Take a look:
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WE ARE AT WAR, PRESIDENT TRUMP
WE ARE AT WAR WITH THOSE FORCES THAT CAUSE UNEMPLOYMENT
The enemy is not exactly who you say it is, Mr. President. TRADE? It’s true that many manufacturing jobs have gone to low wage countries such as China, Bangladesh and Mexico.
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TRUMP SNOT RATIONAL
TRUMP SNOT TO BE TRUSTED
TRUMP SNOT ______
(You fill in the blank space.)
A Guide To Understanding The President’s Misunderstanding Of Our Democracy
That doesn’t mean he may or may not be mentally and emotionally balanced. Trump’s rationality and no-nothing vanity, it appears, are bound together. In his case rationality and no-nothing vanity are zero sum issues. As his puffery rises his rationality appears to sink. As of this writing his no-nothing vanity is on a rapid rise and America’s people and allies grow fearful of what lies ahead.
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BACKSTAGE WITH ELEPHANTS, LIONS & TIGERS & CLOWNS
Special Memories From Years Gone By
We were backstage, my two young sons and myself, at the...
Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus...
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Save the American language (Americanese)
A LAMENT FOR THOSE FADING, GREAT AMERICAN WORDS
HERE ARE JUST A FEW OF THOSE WORDS:
The word of honor: SNAFU
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LISTENING IN #1
November 2016
“What in hell are you hooraying about?”
“Do I know you?”
“Nope.”
“How come you butted into my hooray?
“Hooray is public property.”
“Not my hooray! It’s private and none of your beeswax...”
The conversation continues!
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BACK! By popular demand:
THE HAUNTED TREE HOUSE
--where--
“These Dead Don’t Die!”
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My Father’s Flying Secret Revealed
PROHIBITION... 1924!
BULLETS . BOOZE . and a *BOMBER
* Handley-page aeroplane, British WWI bomber.
Delivering Smoot’s Smack 150 Proof by Air Until—
Smoot Smeddly changed the life of a seventeen-year-old farm boy who would, in four years, become my father. (Click on...My Father Out of Poverty)
Smoot Smeddly bought the run-down farm next to the (not-much-better farm) on which my father and his three, younger brothers lived with their mother and father in Manalapan, New Jersey. The year, when it all began, as my father recalled, was 1919. World War I ended a year earlier.
“How old were you then?” I asked….
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MY FATHER ... OUT OF POVERTY
A Success Story Worth Telling
Disaster was in the air when at the age of twenty my father, a farmer, married my nineteen-year-old mother in February 1928. The Great Depression was about to decimate America beginning in October 1929, exactly one year (to the month) after I was born.
“In the beginning”...their beginning (and mine) the promises of the good life were only wishful thinking. I can still remember my mother saying (often), when I was 5 or 6 years of age, “When our ship comes in...” (translation: when our life gets better...). I don’t know if that expression is still used today. I suppose living near the ocean was the reason for it. Living near the ocean did, for some time, account for our family’s modest income.
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THE OTHER MOTHER GOOSE
Would You Read These Rhymes To Your Kids?
(Look to the end for a special ending not for kids.)
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ROBOTS vs JOBS TO WORRY ABOUT
Today...Your Job! - Tomorrow...No Job?
JOBS SOLUTIONS...SEE BELOW
BACK TO THE MIDDLE CLASS
There are few jobs that robots can’t do now or will soon be able to do from working behind the counter at McDonald’s to driving a truck to advanced technology. The technology is there. It’s just a matter of costs. It is still cheaper to have people serving hamburgers and french-fries than to put robots behind the counter but the day is coming when that will not be the case.
THAT DAY HAS ARRIVED!
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POISONED DRINKING WATER IN THE U.S.A.
(PART #2)
IT’S WORSE THAN YOU THINK!
It Could Very Well Be Affecting You and Your Family!
(Click: Lead In Your Water by Bob Flicker)
You can add radioactive chemicals leeching into your wells and other water supplies such as streams and rivers. The only thing that is in short supply is TRUTH & HONESTY! Who can you trust? Unfortunately, trust is in short supply. Consider that public water supplies in 42 states are admitted to be contaminated by the Environmental Works Group. What about the other eight states? What about your water supply?
___________________________________
WORKERS WIPED OUT (FOREVER?)
UNEMPLOYED AND NO JOBS
NO JOB—NO MONEY—NO DIGNITY
There Are Politicians That Call These Men And Women Lazy
Tell that to the coal miners who are being laid off by the thousands. Tell that to the multitude of steel workers who watch their jobs disappear. Tell that to the men and women who see their factories move to low-wage countries.
___________________________
Bob Flicker Presents:
WHAT’S NEXT?
(After Lead In Your Water)
ARSENIC IN BABY FOOD!
Taken In Part From...
THE NEW YORK TIMES
SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 2016
“F.D.A. 0ffers Arsenic Limit In Rice Cereal For Babies"
By Catherine Saint Louis
The Food and Drug Administration proposed on Friday a limit for inorganic arsenic in infant rice cereal, saying that this common food starter is a leading source of exposure to the toxin.”
How is that for protection for babies being fed rice cereal? All you have to do is trust the Food and Drug Administration and the companies that produce baby foods. What aren’t you being told about toxic contaminates in –not only baby foods—but also many other foods you consume beyond babyhood?
___________________________
LEAD IN YOUR WATER
and
OTHER DEADLY CHEMICALS...
Poisoning You and Your Kids
Is there lead in your drinking water...
and/or other deadly chemicals?
When elected and appointed government officials, at all levels, know but do nothing.
They know but they don’t admit it till the damage is done and exposed.
They Lie and Should Be Prosecuted!
It’s more than a lie. It’s a criminal lie!
_________________________
THOSE EXPENSIVE TV PITCHED DRUGS
&
THEIR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS
Look into the center and count to ten for a harmless side effect.
Unfortunately, the many side effects from most direct-to-consumer pharmaceuticals advertised on TV are not harmless. In some cases they could be deadly.
IT’S CALLED:
Direct-to-Consumer Pharmaceutical Advertising (DTCPA)
WARNING
DON’T BE YOUR OWN DOCTOR!
___________________________________
MARCH 2016
To: Moe Friedman (An Open Letter)
Re: Your Imprisonment In A Nazi Concentration Camp
My dear Moe,
It has been more than sixty-five years since we last had coffee together. We were friends then. Somehow we drifted apart, never to connect again. Even at this late date I’m not sure why. I may be too late in my attempt to contact you now but I decided to try. I figure you must be 91 or 92 years of age, not too old to still be alive and, hopefully, reasonably well.
___________________________________
DEALING WITH THE UNEXPECTED
You are a reasonably healthy female or male of any age and are easily distracted by almost anything other than what you are currently doing. Take driving as an example. You have been warned many times not to make conversational eye contact with your passenger(s) while you are driving. Of course, you know better. The accident wasn’t your fault. Besides, no one was hurt. Of course, if you drive off of a cliff—
_________________________________
REMEMBERED
ROSA
My imaginary Rosa
There is a cemetery in Freehold, New Jersey (USA) that has one section set aside for the Sam Lopatin family. The headstones are small and simple. One, in particular, is unique. The name etched upon it is ROSA. Rosa is not interred beneath that headstone (no one is).
She died of double pneumonia and was buried in the Belarus city of Brest-Litovsk (Russia) in October 1919 at the age of sixteen years almost 100 year ago. She never managed to come to the home of her dreams, the United States. Who cares? I do! Why? Click here on A WRITER’S GHOSTS (IDA) and click here to read about Rosa and you might just care a little too.
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A CHILD IN THE WELL
RESCUE
A child falls into a deep, dry well and lands injured but alive at the bottom. TV news and newspapers pickup the story of the attempted rescue drawing tens of thousands of people to follow every moment of the rescue. There is danger of the well collapsing and burying the child if the rescuers are not careful. TV camera crews follow every move of the rescuers throughout the day and night. Americans from coast to coast follow every move, donating money and equipment for the rescue of a child they do not know.
We Americans are a compassionate people particularly if it’s just one child to be rescued. Of late, we haven’t been too good when it comes saving ten thousand children or even 1000 children if they are refugees trying to enter our country or are already living here.
___________________________________
ADELAIDE’S CHRISTMAS CAROL
The mountain top village was, for almost two years, empty of people or so it seemed. The wind blew in powerful gusts driving the snow through the broken windows and doors that swung with the wind in the wrecks of what were once shanties more than they were houses. When the small coal mine closed the miners and their families went away forever.
___________________________________
My Ghost Arrived In A Taxi
(A True Story)
If you don’t believe in ghosts—well, too bad. They do exist you know. Let me tell you about my ghost arriving in broad daylight in a taxi. Ghosts don’t generally make their presence known in that manner. I was standing at the hospital’s entrance waiting for a taxicab when one pulled up to the curb in front of me. I didn’t recognize him, for what he was at first, when I looked through the passenger window and saw a small, bent old man...
___________________________________
MY AUNT NORA
Her Near-Death Experience As Described To Me
(A Depiction)
Finding herself happily floating to the light and music.
She was a simple woman who never heard the term, near-death experience when she described, what turned out to be, her own near-death experience to me.
I will describe her experience as she told it to me and you can make what you will from it.
___________________________________
A FIFTH MEMORIAL CANDLE
for
MY BROTHER TED
(That was a hard thing for me to do.)
[In memory of Margery’s mother and father and my mother and father]
4
AND NOW...
A Fifth Memorial Candle
TED
THE MIDDLE BROTHER
For 84 years he was my younger brother. Most every Sunday we would talk over the telephone or (when possible) face to face. Our conversations were long lasting and covered everything from family to world politics. And now, after 84 years Ted and I no longer have our Sunday (and other occasions) talks and visits. He is no longer the living, middle brother. Now—the most difficult part for me is replacing our Sunday phone calls and visits with a fifth memorial candle.
___________________________________
By special request:
THE HAUNTED TREE HOUSE
--where--
“These Dead Don’t Die!”
___________________________________
MY CANCER DISCOVERY!
Not to me! Not at this stage of my life! Face it! It’s happened TO YOU!
FINALLY DEALING WITH IT
and
GETTING LUCKY
MY ADMISSION OF STUPIDITY
This Is A Message For You!
_____________________________________
FINDING IMMORTALITY...
Through My Children
All My Children and I
Josh, Lee, Barry, Dad, Jon and Lauren
I will be 87 in October; that means, in my terms, I am approaching old age. There is not very much time left for my youngest grand and great grandchildren to know me and I them. A gift! Each and every one of them has given me a miraculous gift. Immortality. My life continues on through them. Perhaps it is not the immortality in the biblical sense but immortality in another sense and to me most comforting.
__________________________________________
TRUTH or CONSEQUENCES
There was the radio version (1940-1957)
There was the television version (1950-1988)
And now--
There is the 2015 political version (Game Show Host: Donald Trump)
___________________________________
WHO BURIES THE UNDERTAKER?
About the following unfinished story...
In its present form WHO BURIES THE UNDERTAKER? is absurd and rightly belongs under the heading of ABSURDLY YOURS. Where is it going? As of this writing I have no idea, if indeed it is going anywhere at all. The thing is, I am both intrigued and challenged by it. If absurdity is not your thing, read no further especially after reading (and listening to) all the absurd political news and claims we are exposed to each and every day.
***
___________________________________
I GRABBED HIM AND SHOUTED, “YOU’RE UNDER ARREST!”
And I (Bobby Joe) Wasn’t Even a Cop
Bobby Joe (my alter ego). The Suppressed, Violent Shadow In My Life
“Bobby Joe” Another form of my given names, Robert Joseph
___________________________________
WINTER AT THE AMERICAN MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY
Snagging A Rainbow
Perhaps my grandson, Jai, had the right idea when he reached for a rainbow with Barry and Lauren bearing witness. He appears to have caught it. Could it be that the storied pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is really wisdom? It’s possible. Jai has become very intelligent with lots of smarts.
(Note the second rainbow. It could be yours.)
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“THE COAST IS CLEAR, COME ON AHEAD!”
A JOKE BETWEEN TWO BROTHERS ENDING WHEN THERE WAS JUST ONE
Bob & Ted
I believe it began just before my brother Ted’s 70th birthday and ended with his 84th birthday…
________________________________________
Bob Flicker Presents
A Series Of Very, Very Short Stories
DEALING WITH # 1...
EMOTIONS
(Too Busy To Read? Not Any More. Now Read An Entire Story Over A Cup Of Coffee.)
Today’s Emotion: GREED
___________________________________
A TOAST TO LIFE!
YOUR LIFE
There is a painless, easy way to a longer life for a good many of you. All you have to do is reach out and take it. It’s that simple. So, what’s the big secret? The answer is that simple. There is no big secret. There are a few minor problems and one very major problem though. There are no free rides.
______________________________________________
THE TIME OF THEIR LIFE
and
DEATH
Does fate determine who will live and who will die?
When, Why, or How?
#1
Death Watch
The young lawyer had no way of knowing that forgetting his watch, he left on his desk, and going back for it would cost him his life. How could that be?
______________________________________________
ATTENTION PLEASE!
click here
R U
An
ASSUMER-CONSUMER?
If you are—you are getting...
Just in case you are unfamiliar with the term... Assumer-Consumer means that you believe all those outrageous sales claims being made to you. You buy into them and end up getting screwed.
________________________________________
press here!
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
HAVE A NICE DAY!
Its Sinister Meaning
The Hidden Message Celebrating The Devil
Now, at last, it must be revealed regardless of my personal risk! Look at the first letter of each word in Have A Nice Day: H-A-N-D. Those initials actually stand for: Hail Almighty Noble Devil. In other words: Devil Worship!
__________________________________________________
Beauty and the Beast
and
I
It was opening night for Beauty and the Beast on Broadway and my wife and I were fortunate and delighted to have been invited to be part of the opening night audience on the evening of April 18, 1994. That was a little more than 21 years ago. Something happened to me that evening while I was part of the “celebrity line” entering the Palace Theatre that has stayed with me these past 21 years.
_________________________________________
“I’VE GOT A GUN IN MY POCKET!
GIMME YOUR WALLET!”
Was I about to be shot, possibly murdered, by some crazy on a busy street in the middle of the afternoon? I felt it could really happen.
_____________________
MAX
HE LIVED! MOST DIED!
. He was 45 years old when arrested by Hitler’s Gestapo in Vienna 1942
. Was rescued by allied forces in 1945
. Came to the New York City (about) 1948
. Employed as a messenger in my father’s company 1950
. Returned to Vienna in 1952 where he died alone (No one was left)
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D’WARFS
and
Little D’Piddle
There has been some questions about D’Warfs and Little D’Piddle. Please note D’Warfs are not dwarfs! D’Warfs can easily be recognized by their height. They are exactly one foot (12 inches tall). See chart below.
The stories of Little D’Piddle ( D’Warf) will continue shortly. In the mean
time (if you haven’t already) click on...
_______________________________________________________________
THEY WERE ALL MURDERED
Members of My Family
and
There Is No One Left To Remember Them Except For Myself
but
My Memory Is That Of A Five Year Old Child
1933
Why Now? Why me? Is it their ghosts? My ghosts?
I was not quite five years old when I met them for the first and last time. There was the mother and her two young children (older than myself). They are all images, snap shots without names or identities. All I am left with are just one blurred image of them sitting on the front porch steps of my grandparents’ home on Sherriff Street in Freehold, New Jersey.
My father and mother, myself and my brother Ted sitting on those same front porch steps.
About 1931.
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Little D’Piddle
And His
WORD and STORY STORE
The sign over Little D’Piddle’s store read:
WORD and STORY STORE
His was no ordinary store, just as his customers were not ordinary customers. I will explain in just a moment. First, I would like to tell you a little about Little D’Piddle. He was a D’Warf of the first order. That meant two things: First, he was exactly one foot tall, not one inch taller or shorter, the exact height for a D’Warf. Second, being of the first order meant that he had a story-telling license proving he had very special story telling talents.
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ICE CREAM JOE – CRAWFORD’S – HECKMAN’S
When a penny meant something – with a nickel you ruled the world
Sorry, the white wagon got a little dirty.
I started kindergarten in January 1934 at the Hudson Street School and there he was, Ice Cream Joe. He was waiting in his horse-drawn, white enclosed wagon for his grammar school customers to head home for lunch.
________________________________________________________________
ROBO CALL WHO?
and
Bob Flicker’s Revenge
Are you a robo call target?
Do you rush to answer your phone only to receive an intrusive recorded message like CONGRATULATIONS! Now, I have never waited to hear why I was being congratulated but I suspect somebody out there would like to congratulate me out of my money...
____________________________________
MY GIFT TO MY FAMILY FOR THE AGES
It Began With My Bedtime Stories & Songs For My Children
My gift To My Children
led to
Their Gift To Their Children
led to
Their Children’s Gift To Their Children
may lead to
Their Children’s Gift To Their Children?
(time will tell)
___________________________________
THE SCREWED-UP FAIRY
Zelpa screwed up again. It was one day before the end of the month and she had five wishes left over. She was the only fairy from her section to have wishes left over at the end of any month. She had just 24 hours to grant these five wishes to wish-worthy people or end up with a lowly desk job at the Fairy Wish Dispensary, dispensing wishes to field-fairies like herself….
___________________________________
MY WAR WITH PORCUPINES IS OVER
My war with porcupines began on a moonlit, summer night about 40 years ago. There was a full moon, lighting up our mountain, vacation home and the surrounding meadow. We heard it before we saw it, waking my wife and me from our sleep near midnight.
___________________________________
THE GARBAGE CAN FAIRY
Once upon a time ... in a broken-down house, where nothing worked -- not even the father whom we will come to know further along in this story -- not the electricity, not the gas, not the running water, not even the cockroaches, there lived a family by the name of Hopeful. There was Father (unemployed) Hopeful, Mother (with child which meant that part of Father Hopeful still worked) and their eight Hopeful children (too numerous to name here)…
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THE KENTUCKY DERBY and I
I was finishing my freshman year at the University of Louisville. Saturday, May 3, 1947 was the day of the Kentucky Derby and we all got jobs at Churchill Downs for that stupendous event, considered by the locals to be bigger than New Years Eve and the Mardi Gras combined.
___________________________________
Don’t Mess With Small Town Justice
WHEN CERTAIN CITY PEOPLE
DISSED SMALL TOWN JUSTICE
The following is a true story:
It happened sixty-nine years ago, the summer of 1946, in the small New Jersey town of Freehold, my hometown. Now Freehold was no ordinary small town. As a matter-of-fact it happened to be a very special small town. (See: rug mill) For one thing, it was and is the county seat of historic Monmouth County. Back then; the county courthouse was on Main Street. How many towns of 7,000 people could boast of having a courthouse and a horseracing track? Not many, I can assure you. And—this was not just any ordinary horseracing track. It was a racetrack for trotters and pacers, together with pari-mutuel betting. It was at the Freehold Raceway that my story begins.
___________________________________
GHOST OF MAX FLICKER and ME
That Cold, Uncaring Grandfather Condemned To The Shadows
He was on his deathbed, lying motionless, a silent blanket-covered mound in the shadows. The room was semi-dark and I was alone with a grandfather I did not know in that gloom-filled dying space. I was a ten year old, alone with that man, a grandfather in name only, for whom I had no feelings and for whom my memory bank was empty.
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KNOW THE WHY AND HOW OF YOUR PAIN!
.KNOW WHY you are having pain (This is important)
.KNOW HOW you can reduce or eliminate that pain (Your choice)
Reduce or Eliminate Your Pain
by
VISITING YOUR X RATED FANTASY WORLD
(Assuming you have one)
__________________________________________________________________________
LEARNING PAIN CONTROL!
(IT’S NOT FOR EVERYBODY!)
“LOW VOLTAGE” PHYSICAL PAIN
MADE BEARABLE
THROUGH “IMAGINATIVE-OUTRAGEOUS PAIN RELIEF”
--It works for me, could it work for you?--
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GHOSTS OF THE FREEHOLD LOPATINS
Russia (about) 1898
My grandmother Fanny Lopatin
My grandfather (Lieutenant) Max Lopatin, Russian Army.
My grandparents’ first born, my Aunt Rose
I am the last one left of that era to tell their story.
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THE TWO KILLER TRAINS
His name was Nathan Lopatin! He was my grandfather's youngest brother and the great uncle I was never to meet. He had been spirited out of Russia by family and friends, in 1903, when it was discovered by the local, Russian authorities that he and others were training in secret with rifles to protect their families and neighbors against raiding cossacks. Being caught meant certain imprisonment or possible death.
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FINAL ARRANGEMENTS
FINAL ARRANGEMENTS is about two people who find themselves with a dilemma. They have their fabulous, rent controlled apartment but—they have decided they can no longer live together. Who gets the apartment?
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GHOSTS IN MY BOOKSHELVES
They were there all of the time. I put them there and forgot about them after I was seduced digitally. I pass by them everyday but who can see ghosts when one stops believing or caring?
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THE STRAWBERRY JAM DAM
A SUPER-YOU EPISODE
Could you imagine
how it would be
if you (Shout Your Name)
were on TV?
There would be lights, camera, action
and away you would go!
and you (Shout Your Name)
would be star of the show!
There would be many adventures
and you would always come through
because of the fact…
you would be…SUPER-YOU!
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Absurdity ceases to seem absurd when it manages to make sense to those that view, read and/or hear it.
However, it still remains...
ABSURDLY YOURS
ABSURDITY NUMBER 172
NON VOTERS & COMPLAINERS
Stinky (Stingly) Stenchvasser was mayor of Pizztown for the past ten years. His three elections were always by default because no one else wanted the job. However, he always considered his election to be unanimous; one to nothing; his one everybody else nothing. No one in Pizztown ever voted for anything or anyone. As Lizzy Wonknuttle wrote in her letter to The Daily Flash, Pizztown’s monthly newspaper, “I would have voted for Stinky Stenchvasser, not only because there was nobody else to vote for but because he got Pizztown on Fox News once. For what—I don’t exactly remember. It was something about our town’s name.”
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MY MOM
I Would Never Tell Her She Threw Away $3,200,000
(Even If I Could)
I suppose it would be best to start at the beginning, especially in this case. It began sometimes in 1938. I was ten years old and my brother Teddy was a year and a half younger. Saturday afternoons starting at around 1:30 our ritual would begin.
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WHEN I WAS A HYPNOTIST
and
My First Miscalculation
I decided to become a hypnotist in an attempt to save my first marriage. I gave it up to save my second marriage. If that doesn’t make sense, I will explain.
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A POT-BELLIED PIG'S CHRISTMAS
The pot-bellied pig was resting on a park bench when Rooki walked by with his sleeping bag. “Merry Christmas.”
click here for the rest!
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